47 Days

It all comes down to 47 days.

47 days that I didn't know to treasure until I hit day 41, the day my Dad decided to go into Hospice care.

Monday, March 5th my dad called me at work. He was done fighting. In hide sight, he was right. One problem after another kept coming up. And not little problems, major ones. Katie Grisham updated you on all of that.

March 5th Father James (from my school) came to the hospital with me. By the time I got there around noon, my dad had already been assessed and recommended by a doctor for Hospice care. He was accepted. Hospice? Really? Had I overlooked how bad my Dad's condition was? It was time to IMMEDIATELY spring into action.

How was I going to pay for all of this? Where was I going to take my dad to let him live out the rest of his days? Who could help me?

That is the thing about these situations, people ask you "How can I help?" I wanted to say so many times, "Can you please become my Dad's Power of Attorney?" I am 27 years old. I thought I was grown up. Nope. Adulthood was facing me head on.

Baptist Trinity Hospice House...you are amazing. Not only was I able to get an affordable rate, but you also gave my dad the best care I could ever imagine.

I had to make some tough financial decisions to make. I had to make these decisions because 1, I needed to pay for my dad's hospice care and 2, I needed money for a funeral. Did I just say funeral?

6 days...

My Dad was on hospice 6 days. The first day he was there, he didn't really want to talk. I wanted my Dad to say to me so badly, "Katie, you did a good job, this place is really nice." I didn't get that response. I got, "It's really quiet here." It was quiet in comparison to the hospital. But, I guess I was just looking for some reassurance that he was okay with the decision I made. He was very quiet on day 1. But in comparison to the remaining 5, it was the most that my Dad talked to me.

Everyday he went downhill. Day 2, he would rouse and talk to me. We would have somewhat of a conversation. I tried to keep it lighthearted. I talked to him about things like basketball, and things going on in the news. Day 2 was also when the social worker met with me. She explained that based on their assessment, it was likely that according to my Dad's situation he had days to weeks left to live...not months. She said as uncomfortable as it's going to be, you need to begin thinking about funeral arrangements.

It is very strange to talk about your Dad's funeral before he's gone. It was something I HAD to do, but it left me with this sick feeling that I don't ever want to feel again.

Day 3, I got little to no response from my dad. However, I did have news to tell him which was that his brothers from Connecticut were coming down to see him. These are brothers that he was estranged from, so having them down for a visit was a big deal. I wanted my dad to hang in there until they got there. They had unfinished business to attend to. I reminded my dad every day that they were coming, just keep hanging on.

Day 4, even more limited response. Things were looking grim, and I knew it. Did I still want to accept that my Dad was dying? No. Because people told me he could hang on for DAYS like this. I still had DAYS.

Day 5, his brothers arrived. I was so overjoyed to see my uncles. I was worried about how things would go down when we got to the hospice house. I can tell you this though, I witnessed a miracle. Day 5, my dad responded very little, but I could tell by the reaction on his face that he knew who had come to see him. I also witnessed forgiveness. TRUE forgiveness. The moment they walked in, saw my dad, and talked to him...they forgave him. It was instant. Their faces changed. My heart was so happy for my dad.

The morning of Day 6, I called early in the morning to check on my dad. His nurse Tammy (who I loved!) told me these exact words, "Your dad is actively dying." Ton of bricks. Hit. Hard. It was real. I panicked. I hadn't chosen a funeral home, I hadn't gotten all of the financial stuff in order, I hadn't had enough time! There was not enough time!

I quickly showered, called my uncles, and my mom and we met at the hospice house. My mom and I arrived first. I walked in, saw my dad, and broke completely down. I don't even want to describe what I saw, it was too painful. I sat on the couch and cried. The nurse pulled me out. My head was spinning. No one, I mean NO ONE, prepares you for stuff like this. I prayed out loud for God to take my dad. I couldn't take how my dad looked, I couldn't take the fact that I thought he was suffering, I simply couldn't take it. Once all of the family arrive at the hospice house, they took our family into a meeting room and explained to us what was going on. The church was called in, and we took vigil at the Hospice house that day. I couldn't stay in the room with my dad for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I felt physically sick to my stomach, lightheaded and dizzy. Many people came by that day, my close friends, family, church members, you name it. I would walk them in to see my dad, and have to leave, I couldn't get rid of that sick feeling. I was so lightheaded. We stayed all day. His condition declined all day. But he was lingering. Finally, the nurses and family all thought maybe we should go, maybe he wants to be alone. I was willing to do ANYTHING to help my dad go home to Jesus. I won't describe to you my last moment with my dad, words can't express what that was like. But, I can tell you that I feel a peace inside of me knowing that my last words to my dad were, "I love you."

I came home, my uncles came by for awhile, then left. And I went to bed. I had a hard time falling asleep partly because I couldn't get the images of the day out of my head and also because I think I knew I would be getting a phone call in the middle of the night.

One would thing that the day my dad died would be the hardest day. No. That was the day of peace. The day before was the one that for lack of a better word, sucked.

3:45am, Heaven got another angel. My dad left this world. The nurse tells me it was peaceful. I gathered with my family again at the Hospice house. I couldn't go in the room. I looked from the door and fell apart. That wasn't my dad anymore, and it was too upsetting to see that. So I sat, while my dad's brothers went in. They called the funeral home (that I knew I wanted to use) and they came and got my dad. 7:00 am, March 12, 2012 I left the Baptist Trinity Hospice House. Six days after my dad checked in.

Tomorrow is my formal goodbye. My dad's visitation and memorial service is tomorrow. It is being held at Memphis Funeral Home and Memorial Gardens on Germantown Parkway. The visitation is from 3-4 and the memorial service begins at 4. It will be a hard day tomorrow, but it will also be a bit of closure. I know that my emotions have not peaked yet. I know I will go through different stages of grief. But, I can tell you this...I can see God's hands working in all of this. And I am truly amazed.

Thank you again for all of the kind words of encouragement, prayers, and comments. I have read them all (whether they be texts, e-mails, facebook messages, and etc.) and although I haven't responded, I will soon...just as soon as I can let the dust settle from all of this.

Much love,
Katie B